What if you were selling time-share properties, genuine 24-karat gold-clad replica coins, a gizmo to increase gas mileage, or diet plans guaranteed to make fat turn to muscle? Say that your revenue was disappointing and you needed to increase sales. But direct mail, TV spots and in-store demonstrations haven’t done the job - the results have been disappointing.
So you’re pondering your options while walking to your car, and a seedy looking guy whispers from the shadows, “Pssst, over here, pal. I’ve got what you need.”
“And how do you know what I need?”
“I’m psychic, I know these things. You need a new audience, a special audience.”
“And you can help me find this new audience?
“I can. Suppose I told you that there is a vast pool of citizens, millions in fact, who will accept without question whatever they’re told. You say ‘jump,’ they ask ‘how high.’ They’ll buy whatever you’re selling and thank you for hoodwinking them. They will remain loyal no matter what you do or say."
“There’s no such thing … that would be the Holy Grail to a marketer.”
“There are such people; they’re called the Obama-ites ... the followers of our beloved president, B. Hussein Obama.”
"They'll believe anything he says. Faced with a choice between cold, hard facts and some inane promise from Obama, they’ll believe him every time. They ignore the changes in his positions on fifteen or twenty major issues – no matter. He avoided anything remotely Muslim during the campaign (even his middle name), now he embraces his Muslim brothers and quotes from the Quran. Put plainly, he’s a snake-oil salesman and the Obama-ites have faith that his elixir will cure everything from jock itch to constipation. They're lapping it up as if it was manna from heaven.”
How is it possible that millions of otherwise reasonable citizens accept whatever Obama says and does, as righteous? They have somehow lost the desire to challenge him or question his reasoning. Like mind-numbed zombies, they just accept.
We at Pesky Truth wanted to know what could cause this diabolical affliction? And after our crack investigative team poured over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore, they stumbled onto the answer.
It’s the O’vorka.
We were tipped to the phenomena when one of our crack journalists watched an old episode of Seinfeld - the one where Kramer was found to be filled with the “Kavorka,” (the lure of the animal) by the Latvian Orthodox church.
We decided to see if such a thing existed. After sessions with Latvian Orthodox church officials and an intensive scientific investigation, our conclusion is that Obama is indeed under the spell of a "vorka." The church is convinced that Obama is filled with the O’vorka vorka (the lure of the half-black, metrosexual).
When you’re filled with the O’vorka, you can say anything and do anything, no matter how outrageous, and your audience will worship you. If someone challenges you or disagrees, your followers will defend you with cries of "racist." And they’ll stand there meekly while you snatch the shirt from their back and say, “Thank you sir, you may have my Jockey shorts too.”
There is a messianic quality that surrounds Obama's O’vorka – the ability to convince his audience that he is talking only to them and he means every word. Barry Obama could put on a blue oxford shirt, grow a dense black beard and bellow “Billy Mays here!” and sell anything “as seen on TV” even better than the guru of pitchmen himself. B. Hussein Obama is indeed an uber-pitchman.
But where did the O'vorka come from? How did he get it?
And perhaps more importantly, what can we do about it?
It is not known how one acquires a “vorka.” The scientific community believes that it is the result of a chemical imbalance in the brain which affects the res cogitans, a brain function that is primarily responsible for verbal communication.
The church believes that it is the work of the devil. We tend to side with the church.
Somehow, the O’vorka has denied the Obama-ites of any ability to think critically. They just know that he is right. Many of the 70 million who voted for him believe that they’re all going to get their own loaves and fish in the form of a beachfront home and a Lexus. And they don't seem to care that Obama has already given away three of the original five loaves to the unions and his ability to multiply is no better than his ability to create (or save) jobs. They won't be happy when they're finally told, "we're fresh outta loaves and fish folks, sorry."
Pesky Truth is working with a highly-respected lab to develop a gel which, when rubbed on one’s body, will generate a Obama-like ability to speak with a forked tongue, yet be entirely believable. So far, the gel works, but it has the unfortunate side effect of enlarging the ears, turning the skin brown, and smelling like excrement.
Our only recourse for the immediate future is to convince Obama to wear a necklace of garlic, cloves, and John the Conqueror root.
That oughta slow him down - or at least force people to stay upwind.