This post is an unabashed attempt to drive readers to my other blog “The Future-seeing Device.” It portrays the U.S. as it will be in the future IF the liberals gain control. The following predictions are a sampling of what’s on the Future blog. If you like these, there’s a link at the end to take you there. The predictions are (hopefully) humorous satire.
The Environment
The government has mandated the reduction of personal body temperatures from 98.6 to 97.4 to reduce global warming. Any citizen with a temperature above the baseline (97.4) is subject to ice water enemas until body temperature returns to “normal.”
Citizens are required to skip every other breath (to reduce CO2 emissions) and to release flatulence only in their own homes (or be fitted with a personal fart-scrubber).
Global warming advocate Al Gore filed suit to have each recording station’s devices tested to find any uncounted degrees that might be left hanging about. West Palm Beach monitoring officials had difficulty in identifying whether a temperature had been recorded in Celsius or Fahrenheit (some stations reported both, calling the results into question).
Immigration
The Department of Compassion has started another progressive program, called the “level playing field” program. It applies to all citizens, regardless of their native language or country of origin. Effective Jan. 1, all government documents and signage will be produced in Esperanto only, thus removing any advantage that English-speaking citizens would have had over disadvantaged immigrants. “We just want everyone to have an equal opportunity,” said Dr. Pepe Roni.
As a result of the new immigration policies, Mexico’s entire population has immigrated to the U.S. - Mexico is now empty.
With large concentrations of new citizens flexing their political muscle, the state previously known as “Texas” will be renamed “Texico,” California is being renamed “Tacofornia,” and efforts are underway in Arizona to change that state’s name to “Refried Arizona.”
Healthcare
Though largely unsuccessful in his previous attempts, Minister of Health W. E. Coyote, is leading the research to find a vaccine for the elusive Roadrunner strain of bird-flu.
As a result of his personal participation in the bird-flu research, Mr. Coyote contracted the dreaded “meep meep” virus and periodically has relapses causing unusual accidental injuries (mostly involving mountains, jet power, or TNT).
The new drug powerhouse Price-Spitzer, Inc. has received FDA approval for two new drugs, Obamacillin and Obamamycin. Dubbed the “Messiah Drugs”, they have been responsible for complete eradication of jock itch, yeast infections, hair loss, and constipation.
Transportation
Personal mobility utilizes vehicles manufactured by Yugo Ltd. The most popular model, the “Yugo-girl”, runs fine for 28 days, then becomes uncooperative and hard to start for a few days. Yugo recommends that men avoid contact with this model during the cranky period.
Gasoline and diesel fuels have been replaced by an inexpensive renewable resource – i.e., legume (bean) power. Efficiency is excellent; thirty-two ounces (2 16oz cans) of navy beans will power a vehicle for about 400 miles and about $5 will “gas up” (in the truest sense) at any convenience store or truck stop.
Performance-minded drivers will find that jalapeno ranch beans provide maximum power but the excessively hot gasses tend to really, really, burn the exhaust pipe.
Entertainment
Clint Eastwood and Spike Lee remain at odds in the “casting wars”. They seem to be responding to each other by “in your face” casting. Latest rumors have Lee working on a movie titled “George Bush, Antichrist” in which Bush is played by Eddie Murphy. Eastwood countered with his new project “Martin Luther” and sources say that Larry the Cable Guy has been cast as MLK.
SA (Surround Around) is the newest home entertainment rage. With SA, a center seating circle is surrounded by lifelike effects occurring on all sides. It’s so realistic; it’s like being there. While dramas and nature shows have a strong following, the most popular titles include “Angelina Does Akron” and “Britney Does All 57 States.”
Celebrity Hunt is a hot new reality show where several paparazzi are released into a hedge maze to be hunted by two celebrity personalities. The pilot episode starred Naomi Campbell and Tom Cruise. The stars are armed with 500kV Taser stun guns and are anxious to show the paparazzi how much they appreciate the 24/7 stalking. As the game goes on, it becomes more difficult for the celebrities when they must avoid the smoking, charred, paparazzi already zapped.
Sports
Relay runners must now pass gas at the “handoff” since batons are outlawed as possible weapons. To run a good race, a runner must avoid positioning him/herself behind any other runner, especially in the four-farty relay.
Dangerous shot put and hammer throws have been replaced with balloon throws. The use of a balloon is temporary since PETB (People for the Ethical Treatment of Balloons) has filed suit claiming the events disrespect the balloon’s place in the cosmos.
With pole vaulting poles confiscated as possible weapons, six-meter vaults have become rare.
The Population
Obama's Brown Shirts have developed a nefarious method of keeping the adult male population confused and under control. They simply provide Coors Lite beer bottles with pictures of nude women on them. Only when the beer is chilled, the clothes come back. This puzzles and confuses most men who are torn between seeing “nekkid” women and wanting cold beer.