The Pesky Truth Gazette
"Today’s news, just a splat or two after it hits the fan®."
Volume: 2, Number: Ocho Cinco
In the spirit of transparency (made so popular by Congress and the Obama administration), we at Pesky Truth feel compelled to expose ourselves. We will fling open the figurative raincoat of concealment to reveal that we have moles.
Our moles are the human covert-operator kind, not the furry kind related to shrews (shrew meaning Suncus murinus, not to be confused with Nancy Pelosi). They occupy trusted positions in Congress and the White House and are able to feed PT real insider information not available to the usual news sources. Our moles stay underground, out of the public eye. You won’t recognize a name; they are nameless. You wouldn’t recognize a face; they are faceless. In fact, we have a tough time finding them ourselves. But rest assured, they are there, digging deep for the true stories.
You won’t see the following articles in any other blog or news source, they are exclusive to Pesky Truth.
Obama slightly ill, reportedly has a global-warming induced fever.
This real story is being kept under wraps by Obama’s Czar of Spin and Dry.
A group of clinical psychologists, consulting with prominent psychiatrists, is treating the president for what is called a “minor disorder.” Rather than a mild fever, insiders tell PT that he has developed a facial tic on the left side of his Holy Countenance and a pronounced lean to the left when standing or walking. The result of the lean causes Obama to walk in counter clockwise ovals if not otherwise redirected.
A source tells us that he is also experiencing occasions of extreme anger. Recently, he kicked his teleprompter (TOTUS), which promptly retaliated by falling on the president’s left knee, cracking the kneecap. Of course, he blamed the George Bush for turning TOTUS against him and angrily directed the IRS to investigate TOTUS for tax irregularities.
A preliminary diagnosis attributes the president’s erratic actions to a form of Waking Up to Fact syndrome (or, WTF). It is thought that the president’s record of failures during his first year as POTUS, has brutally awakened him and caused him to question his Messiahness.
He really thought that his transcendent powers of persuasion would allow him to convince North Korea and Iran to mend their ways. He should have been able to win the Olympic games for Chicago, and being snubbed by China at the Copenhagen climate summit just was too much and pushed him over the edge.
Circumstances have forced him to doubt himself – to confront reality. Where is his Cap and Trade bill, where is his healthcare, his amnesty, his Academy Award, his ascension to the throne of world leader? Why are his poll numbers down? Why is Tiger Woods scoring more than he?
He’s been heard to say, “What’s wrong with these people? Don’t they know who I am? How can they doubt me? I am he who AM. He who IS is me. I am who we has been waiting for, is I not? ”
Bystanders said he continued to mumble and “speak in tongues,” continuing an incoherent tirade for hours, all the while limping around in ovals.
As Yoda would say, “Blew a gasket, he did.”
Showing Gitmo immigrants some love.
Pesky Truth has learned of a new project undertaken by Conservative tea party groups. They’re proposing that taxpayers fund tours of Obama’s Chicago home by groups of Gitmo “transferees.”
The proposed tour would begin with a period of unescorted contemplation time reserved for the transferee’s religious reflection. It would allow time for the Gitmoians to improvise empathy rather than harbor explosive anger if left to their own devices. An environment of trust would be nurtured by allowing the transferees to free run inside the Obama homestead. That could help to convince them that we like them, we really, really like them and mean them no harm. This would further gain their respect.
The tea party groups also recommended that the tours be scheduled when Obama is present in the mansion to allow those misguided Gitmoians an opportunity to bask in the aura of Himness that permeates the mansion when His Presence is present. Perhaps they’d even stumble across the Dear Leader himself and have an opportunity to bond with him while showing him appreciation for their newfound freedom.
When asked for an opinion, transferee Abdul Mohammed Swartz stated that he’d ask president Obanma to autograph his newly written books “Whittling With a Boxcutter” and “Jihad for fun and profit.”
“Smart” meters will reduce our energy usage.
A new report by Blabbin’ Joe Biden projects that the number of U.S. homes with smart meters will jump from about 8 million now to 40 million by 2015. Smart meters, huh? Call us conspiracy nuts, but we’ll guarantee that the new smart meters will have the capability to limit energy usage based on a government-mandated profile. We’re told that they’ll be called the Federal Usage Guidelines (or, FUG).
The FUGing plan calls for a limited number of standard profiles, each of which specifies how much energy may be used. Already accusations are flying. The Heritage Foundation has secured hundreds of e-mails between parties involved in producing the profiles. They’re said to show that the democrats are FUGmandering the profiles (an energy equivalent of gerrymandering). Heritage has found that historically democrat voting districts are given profiles allowing 20% more energy than Republican controlled districts and global warming proponents (like Al Gore) have been assigned profiles with no limit.
The profiles limit real-time energy usage. In other words, you can either bake something in an oven or you can fire up a pottery kiln - but not both. On a hot summer day, you could either run your air conditioning or cook dinner – but not both. In any case where your selection of an energy-using device exceeds your allotment, the system would FUG it, cancelling your selection. Either abide by your allotment or you’d get FUGged. We should all be prepared to get FUGged.
Introducing a new commodities market.
Here’s another concept that’s being shopped in Congress. It’s based on the Federal Usage Guidelines (FUG) program. The government would create and regulate a new commodity market trading in FUG credits. Since the FUG energy allotments couldn’t discriminate, po-folks would get as much allotment as rich folks and be able to sell unused FUG up-credits to wealthy folks, thereby allowing the rich to exceed their assigned limit and at the same time, become a source of revenue to the maladvantaged.
Rep. Bawney Fwank is the principal sponsor of this concept. He believes that it could solve the redistribution of wealth and energy problems in one swell foop. And who knows swell foops better than the man voted “Swell Foop of the Year?
Obama’s New Czar of Adjustments.
In a surprise move, president Obama named Bernard Madoff to be his new Czar of Adjustments. The infamous entrepreneur, judged to be a genius with numbers, was tasked with developing corrective adjustment factors to correct administration score numbers for various kinds of biases. Madoff earned his M.A. (Master of Adjustments) from the University of East Anglia in the UK. He is well versed in “adjusting” raw data as evidenced by his Madoff Investment Securities success.
With his conviction now expunged by an Obama Executive Order, he is free to apply his talents to helping the administration correct some erroneous information previously reported by the media. He’ll be working alongside Andy Fastow, former CFO of Enron to develop adjustments to correct various financial inaccuracies.
For example, the administration had been touting the creation of 640,000 jobs. After applying a Madoff/Fastow factor to the jobs figure, the administration now has corrected that number to be 4,440,017 jobs created. And it comes as no surprise that the unemployment rate previously misreported as 10 percent, has now been corrected to 2.7 percent.
In other corrections, president Obama was giddy to inform citizens that our national debt was only $110.1 billion dollars, rather than exceeding $12 trillion as had been estimated, and his new health plan would actually make a $97 million profit, rather than cost over a trillion dollars. And as a result, when adjustments were applied to the president’s approval rating, it soared to 99.2%, up from a dismal 47%.
What GREAT news. The recession is gone, jobs are plentiful, the president is popular, and the economy is booming. The country is finally on the right track after shaking off the shackles imposed by that pesky Bush administration. And we have Obama and Madoff and Fastow (oh my) to thank for it.
Finally, Obama lives up to his promise of truth and transparency and gives us numbers we can count on. I forget - how is czarchasm spelt?
Obama’s Energy Task Force – smartest guys on the planet? Or really confused?
PK is investigating a report that Obama’s Energy Task Force is contracting with a group of Gitmo transferees to manufacture products for which they have been trained and with which they are very knowledgeable – IEDs. The contract is seen as a way to help the poor, misunderstood souls gain a measure of self-respect by helping them leverage their previous training into a productive trade.
However, there is a concern.
Obama’s experts have based the contract on the understanding that “IED” stands for Improved Energy Device. The Gitmoians pooh poohed (or should that be wee wee'd?) the interpretation (voiced by some) that IED was short for “Improvised Explosive Device” and convinced the task force that the “explosive” interpretation was discriminatory against Jihadists.
The new energy generators were developed by the detainees while attending career improvement workshops in Guantanamo. The IEDs are said to use entirely new secret technology to produce enough electricity to power an average-sized 2,000 sq. ft. home.
The Gitmoian's goal is to place the new state-of-the-art energy generators in all Chicago homes by December 25th, 2010, just in time for Christmas. A spokesman for the transferee group, Abdul Salami Al-dente, explained that his craftsman were so expert that each device carried a lifetime warranty. “When the time comes, the devices will do their job without fail, you will see – no one will say a bad word – not one will be returned.”
Obama’s IED Czar, Ali Rashidi Al-agory, expressed his confidence that the Chicago homes containing the devices will no longer have any energy worries when the IEDs go online at midnight, Christmas Eve. "We will light up Chicago," he said gleefully.
When the president learned of the project, he turned a ghastly shade of mocha and wasted no time immediately hauling his two-toned derrière back to Washington. He expressed his regrets that he couldn’t be present for the lighting up of Chicago by the “Jihadists w Chicago” project.
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You bet your income, a new congressional game.
A spokesperson for We’re Watching You, a Conservative think tank, has proposed a new way to assure congress’ veracity when writing or voting on legislation.
Once enacted, the law would require each member of the House and Senate to “wager” a percentage of their income on the accuracy of selected statements describing the law (being voted on) and its effects on several major categories of governance, like: budget, deficit, its adherence to the constitution, etc. The congressperson would be attesting to his/her understanding of each specified point (they’d have to start reading bills), their assurance that each point was Constitutional (they’d have to start reading the Constitution), and that it would improve related aspects of life for the citizens of the U.S. (they’d have to start considering the citizens and taxpayers).
Each congressperson would be graded by federal grand juries (in secret session, according to facts and evidence) as to whether their answers to the questions were accurate. If accurate, they’d be eligible for a “Truth Bonus.” If their answers are found to be wrong or misleading, they’d have their income reduced by the wagered percentage. The seized funds would be applied to deficit reduction.
For example, let’s suppose that Representative Freemeal Nada (D,CA) is presented with the following questions:
Do you firmly believe and voluntarily legally attest:
· That the Obamacare bill will NOT add to the deficit?
· That healthcare costs will NOT rise for ordinary citizens?
· That the Obamacare bill will NOT cause rationing of health care, whether by design or as an unintended consequence?
· That patient care will be improved?
· That illegal aliens will NOT be covered?
Those are just a few examples of the questions that could be put to our “representatives.”
Let’s suppose that Representative Nada is tempted to vote on the Obamacare bill without reading it. If he wants to protect his standard of living, he must read the bill so he knows what it actually specifies, and he not likely to wager a high percentage of confidence on a “Yes” answer, agreeing to those questions when he knows the answer is certain to be “No.” To protect his livelihood, he MUST answer “No” with a high degree of confidence (a high wager percentage). Truthful answers to probing questions will result in a bonus for Rep. Nada.
Each time Rep. Nada votes on a bill, he has the opportunity to receive a bonus – or – to have a percentage of his income appropriated. How do you think he’ll vote?
Pesky Truth believes that this concept could fundamentally change the way congress works. No longer would it be in their interest to lie, hide, bribe and obfuscate, the concept will require a “refresh” of congress. Most of our current incumbents would quickly end up on welfare since honesty is such a foreign concept to them. But, they’d be replaced with honest individuals of character. We could then begin to resurrect a confidence that we once had in our legislative branch.
Problem solved. The pesky truth wins again.
To our readers: please visit www.werewatchingyou.net and help us dump the trash from congress. We have volunteers who are offering the temporary use of their septic tanks to accept the waste so that we won't soil dumpsters with them.