Posted by
Garnet92 on Friday, August 01, 2008 2:03:03 PM
This is a work of FICTION and will make more sense if you've read Chapter 1 first
The following is a transcript of the primary working document describing the CIA mission supposedly undertaken by Barack and Michelle Obama. It never happened. It was created by Obama’s campaign operatives to embellish Obama’s qualifications to be president. The campaign had done an expert job of placing evidence to support the bogus story. A number of forged documents were placed in highly secret files in order to confirm the accounts. If their plan had worked, we'd all be believing that Obama had been a covert CIA hero.
C A M P A I G N C O N F I D E N T I A L - E Y E S O N L Y
Obama was, in fact, a secret CIA operative. This was a well-kept secret, limited to only a few highly-placed DOD and CIA officials. To his credit, Obama kept the secret even though exposure would have greatly enhanced his credentials to be commander-in-chief. He’d been flogged by the right for not having any military experience and was painted as a “wimp” by the conservative talk shows.
Little did they know, that far from a wimp, Obama was a true American hero. He did his patriotic duty and kept his exploits secret at the expense of his political campaign, because he is a man of honor.
He had played an integral part in the overthrow of the government of Para Cojones (a small island country in the Java Sea, south of Borneo). His cover, to explain his absence during the two months of planning and preparation, was that he was editing his new book, The Audacity of Hope, in Hawaii.
Both Barack and Michelle were recruited by a covert CIA agent in Chicago (cover name: Deep Anus). He met them at a church socialist (er, social) at the Trinity church where the Obamas were members. He knew that Barack spoke enough Indonesian to get by, and thought that under that foppish, metrosexual exterior, was a Rambo-like core that was tough as nails (real ones, not the stick-on kind).
He and Michelle were secretly trained for the mission by a small group of ex-special forces vets who honed their survival skills, hand-to-hand combat, weapons and tactics, and PSYOPS capabilities. Both became expert marksmen (er, markspeople).
Michelle already had the vicious instincts of a pit bull and the strength to lift a Morris Minor off its tires. Truth be told, the spec ops guys were wary of her. She was thought to have chronic PMS and she was given a “wide berth” by most of the advisors. She really looked the part in camo BDUs with an AK-47 slung over her shoulder. In fact, a snapshot of she and Barack was taken that somehow found its way back to the New Yorker.
Their operation fell under the direct authority of USSOCOM (U.S. Special Operations Command) and their clandestine recruitment and training was specifically approved by DOD at the highest levels.
Their task (code named “Gutter Ball”) was to air-drop into the jungles of Para Cojones and to meet up with rebel forces, under the command of Imir Wheraru. The CIA had been providing the rebels with arms and ammunition, Coors Light beer, and Hannah Montana DVDs to win their support for the mission.
It was to be an extremely dangerous mission – one from which our heroic couple might not return. Barack and Michelle had volunteered out of love for their country (the U.S.A.), the country in which Michelle had so much pride, and the willingness to die, if necessary, for the American way of life.
Para Cojones’ dictator, Gespacho Garbanzo, was a ruthless tyrant who had taken over a small secret U.S. airbase there. His troops occupied the base and refused to allow U.S. aircraft to land or take off. He commandeered several secret experimental aircraft and held eighty-eight Americans hostages. There were two main objectives: one, free the hostages, and two, secure the secret aircraft.
He and Michelle were air-dropped into the jungle and worked their way to the outskirts of Toenale Abubu, the capital. In a secret safe-house, Obama and Michelle linked up with the rebels and went over the plan. The rebels were a ragtag group, hardly a fighting force, but after hearing Obama’s inspirational “we are the ones you’ve been waiting for” speech, they were full of hope.
This would change.
Early the next morning they quietly slipped out of Toenale Abubu and hacked their way through the dense jungle, staying off of the usual native trails. Each mile traveled took at least three hours, even with their Tom Tom Go pointing the way (it kept pointing out Stuckys ahead and making them detour around phantom road construction). They camped overnight within two miles of the base and went over their assignments.
After a hearty native meal of beans and nutria (a large rat-like animal) they sat around a small campfire and farted a lot.
Before sunup, final preparations were made. Weapons checked, extra ammo issued, and CIA-required Last Will and Testament signed by each man. When they were told why they were signing such a document Obama’s balloon of hope pretty much burst. Many started making excuses about how they needed to go home to take out the garbage, fix a broken gate, or attend a PTA meeting. It was even worse when they were told that Garbanzo’s forces outnumbered them by 4 to 1. What had started out as a force of thirty-five diminished each time Obama’s back was turned. Within an hour, they numbered twelve.
No matter, the man with the heart of a lion (and the woman with the heart of a croc) were brave enough to execute the attack by themselves, if necessary. These brave volunteers were heroes in-the-making. They proceeded towards their target; their destiny.
They were close now, close enough to see the sentries stationed around the administration building. Intel had learned that the hostages were being held there. The hangar containing the aircraft was about 150 feet away and heavily guarded – that could be a problem.
The plan was to set off a couple of grenades at the opposite end of the runway to distract the guards. Right on time, two explosions shattered the morning silence. The guards were obviously surprised, they weren’t expecting an attack, so about half of them dropped their weapons and ran into the jungle (those were the democrats of Para Cojones, the “Kowwurd” party members). The remaining guards were all focused on the end of the runway.
Obama slipped unnoticed into the administration building and freed the eighty-eight hostages while the remaining rebel forces attacked the base perimeters, causing massive confusion among Garbanzo’s forces. After two hours of fierce fighting, the rebels finally overcame the larger government forces and controlled the base.
They rolled out the escape aircraft with Michelle at the controls.
It was the XTR-A, called the “Ferry”, it was a newly developed troop carrier that had STOL capabilities, in-flight movies, free SunChips, and could hold up to 100 Marines and their gear. Michelle had earned her “wings” in a flight simulator and was qualified as a pilot.
Designed to get to “hot spots” quickly, the aircraft was capable of Mach 1 and could also hover like a helicopter. It was to be the main support craft for the Fast Armed Response Team (FART). Still designated a “secret” development by the Skunk Works, the existence of the aircraft had not been revealed to the public or even Congress (it was a “black” project, funded by the CIA).
Obama got the injured and wounded onboard, leaving about sixty men to secure the base. Armed with the considerable firepower recovered from the nationals, they could hold out until reinforcements arrived the next day.
Only then did Barack inform Michelle that he’d been wounded. It was a painful wound, but not serious.
Obama put the mission and the hostages first, not allowing himself to succumb to pain until after the operation was secure.
They flew back to Darwin, Australia where the injured (including Obama) were treated and debriefing took place.
Both Michelle and Barack were awarded the D.O.D. Patriot’s medal for extreme bravery in the face of overwhelming odds. The award is a “black” award in that it cannot be publicized and is in fact, a secret award.
In fact, the entire operation would never see the light of day – it would remain classified for 99 years.