In a game of political chess, embattled Governor Rod Blagojevich named Roland W. Burris to fill president-Elect Obama’s remaining term as U.S. Senator – an obvious “in your face” move designed to befuddle the Illinois legislature as they continue to debate his impeachment.

There’s something that you should know about Roland W. Burris.

As state Attorney General, Burris sought the death penalty for a man named Rolando Cruz, who was convicted of raping and murdering a 10-year-old girl in the Chicago suburb of Naperville. The crime took place in 1983. But by 1992, another man (Brian Dugan) had confessed to the crime, and Burris' own deputy attorney general was pleading with Burris to drop the case, then on appeal before the Illinois Supreme Court.

Burris refused. He was running for governor at the time and “didn’t want to seem soft on crime.”

"Anybody who understood this case wouldn’t have voted for Burris," Rob Warden, executive director of the Center on Wrongful Convictions, told ProPublica. Indeed, Burris lost that race, and two other attempts to become governor.

Burris' role in the Cruz case was "indefensible and in defiance of common sense and common decency," Warden said. "There was obvious evidence that Cruz was innocent." Deputy attorney general Mary Brigid Kenney agreed and eventually resigned rather than continue to prosecute Cruz.

In her resignation letter, Kenney claimed Burris had "seen fit to ignore the evidence in this case." "I cannot sit idly by as this office continues to pursue the unjust prosecution of Rolando Cruz," she wrote. "I realized that I was being asked to help execute an innocent man."

Under Burris’ direction, state prosecutors carried on with the prosecution, even after DNA evidence excluded Cruz as the victim's rapist and linked sex offender Brian Dugan to the crime. Brian Dugan had already confessed to the crime and will (finally) stand trial for the rape and murder next year.

The Illinois Supreme Court reversed Cruz’s conviction and awarded him a new trial – in which he was acquitted. In late 1995, Cruz finally walked free after serving 11 years on death row for a crime he did not commit.

Burris’ ambition was so important that he was willing to send an innocent man to death row to achieve a political goal.

In case you missed it, here it is again – only louder:

Burris’ ambition was so important that he was willing to send an innocent man to death row to achieve a political goal.

What kind of man (in this case I use the term "man" loosely) could do such a thing?

What a sad state we find ourselves in – that this sorry excuse for a man could be appointed to the United States Senate by another sorry excuse for a Governor. God help us.

There’s more - read the full story at: http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0109/16981.html

Angered at being left out of the bailout bonanza, Congress has taken an unusual step to get in the payoff line with the introduction of H.R.1498. Titled the “Really Really Super Fair Distribution Act,” the RRSFDA would create a new congressional committee tasked with developing a formula that would determine the priority of financial assistance awards.

Because of their exemplary oversight of Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae, Rep. Barney Frank and Senator Chris Dodd were named as committee chairmen. Informally known as the Frankendodd committee, it was cobbled together from various members of Congress and suffers from massive size and abnormal actions. Only the intervention of Rep. Pich Forkk and Sen. Bernie Torches stopped the monster committee from wreaking havoc on the Congressional countryside.

The committee had already made it known that the first order of business will be to name Congress itself to the topmost priority on the list to receive funds. “It’s just downright un-American to bail out all of these failed industries when the 535 most important people on the planet are left scratching for their very existence,” complained Artesia Well, a spokeswoman for Rep. Frank.

Senator Dodd’s spokesman Al E. Gory concurred, “Taxpayers should be ashamed. We’re demeaning our congresspersons – the very best minds in the country – by forcing them to live on the meager stipends that they receive.” “How on earth can a congressperson be expected to survive on $174,000? Where would they be without tips?”

[Ed. Note: Remember to tip your congressperson]

With the rising cost of limo service, expensive restaurants, hotel luxury suites, and junkets to Hawaii or Europe, many of our representatives must either do without or secure additional campaign donations to fund these essentials. America’s ruling class shouldn’t have to demean themselves by flying coach or staying at ordinary, two-star hotels.

[Ed. Note: An informant known as “Deep Armpit” told Pesky Truth that three unnamed members were removed from committees when their names appeared on a Best Western mailing list. Two more were censured for eating at a Waffle House.]

“It’s no wonder that otherwise honest men and women must resort to creative financial mechanisms in order to make ends meet. It’s a national disgrace, and I hope that the country’s citizens realize that our Representatives and Senators are the very best men and women that the country has to offer; the royalty of the United States as it were. If not for their charitable benefactors (inaccurately called lobbyists), they’d all be on welfare and food stamps.”

Mr. Gory was quick to point out that Congress’ “income adjustment” was not a bailout, merely a long overdue salary adjustment. A Congressionally appointed task force studying Congressional pay determined that salaries should be brought into parity with entertainment celebrities and sports figures. The task force’s chairpersons, former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich and former Louisiana Representative William (cool cash) Jefferson were sympathetic to the needs of Congress and supported the income adjustment. Both are considered experts at creative funding sources.

Mr. Gory bristled at a question from a reporter when asked why the adjustment wouldn’t be classified as a bailout. He responded angrily, “A bailout is when taxpayers fund the rescue of a company that has proven that it cannot operate profitably. In the case of Congress, it can be shown that every action they’ve ever taken was done with profit as its primary intent.”

A survey taken the day after the congressional bailout plan was revealed shows Congress’ approval rating now hovering between 2 and 3 percent (3 % M.O.E.). When informed of the survey results, Senator Dodd commented off-the-record, “The public are smelly, misinformed, ignorant clods. They think that all we do is work a few months, give speeches, and travel the world on the taxpayer’s dime.” When challenged on that point by reporter Emma Lee LaTella, Sen. Dodd thought for a moment, grimaced, and mumbled “Nevermind.”

On a related note, the highly regarded, non partisan think tank, Lamé Thinking Ltd. just released findings of a study that tracks Congressional efficiency. Heso Lamé, the company’s CEO, stated that they found a direct correlation between congressional sessions and general government dysfunction.  “In other words, the country is better off when Congress is on vacation.” “We could assemble 535 second deputy assistant night managers from Dennys, IHOP, and Taco Bell and they’d do a better job.”

The study was referenced during a press conference called by a group formed to stop a congressional bailout. Angelena Jo Lee, the spokesperson for the group, stated the group’s dissatisfaction with Congress emphatically: “It’s time that they earned their income. We’re proposing that they be paid an hourly rate, something like $20-25 per hour, and if we like what they do, we’ll vote them a tip. The tip could be $1,000,000 or it could be $0, depending on the job they’ve done for the country.” “It’s time that we paid them what they’re worth.” “Accordingly, most of the current bunch wouldn’t crack $25,000.”

The press conference was disrupted when an angry Harry Reid authorized the release of the Congressional guard dogs. His stated intent was to “rid the Capitol grounds of smelly trespassers.” Oddly, the vicious dogs only attacked members of the press. It was later found that the journalists smelled “fishy,” causing the dogs to target them.

Pesky Truth has learned that the smell apparently resulted from the journalist’s part-time jobs wrapping fish in fish markets. It seems that many journalists have finally found a position where they’re able to leverage their job experience into additional income. For years, they’ve been providing fishy stories to a market whose capacity for logical reasoning was similar to that of a cod (never quite reaching halibut level). The articles always smelled fishy but the cod accepted them as truth.

Fish markets and pet stores are the last remaining purchasers of The New York Times, the Washington Post, and The Los Angeles Times newspapers. Appropriately, the New York Times changed its format to a handy 16 x 24 size to facilitate its use in bird cages. They’ve also changed their masthead logo to “All the News That’s Fit to Poop on.” Since the reformatting, circulation among bird owners has increased by 77 percent.

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
 
 I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started…

     ~~~

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started…

     ~~~

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...

So I took her to a gas station...

And then the fight started…

     ~~~

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
 
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

     ~~~

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.
 
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
 
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

     ~~~

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
 
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

Obama Revises Policy – Will Now Allow Unlimited Drilling

America’s dentists were relieved to hear that they will once again be allowed to drill. The president’s stated zero-tolerance policy towards drilling would have placed a permanent ban on all drilling. The lobbying group “Drill Me, Drill Now” presented the president’s representatives with a petition containing 1,330,880 signatures begging for relief. Spokesperson Hal E. Toesis clarified the intent of the “We Don’t Need no Stinkin’ Oil” bill, “president Obama recognizes the need to root out those pesky canals – and he feels your pain (his lower lip quivers and everything).” To further establish his empathy, he dribbled iced tea down the front of his white shirt while drinking from a glass. He blamed the unintended consequences of the bill on President George Boosh and his failed policies.

Ride-Sharing - Our Vehicle to Energy Independence

It’s a known fact that our use of petroleum products would decrease dramatically if we were able to transport more commuters with each gallon of fuel. A new bill (H.R. 1490) will be introduced Monday. Known as the Disadvantaged Urban Mobility Bill (D.U.M.B.), the bill will require wealthy citizens (annual income of $50,000 or more) to aid in the mobility of the poor. Whenever a wealthy person has any reason to use their vehicle, they will be required to drive to an inner city transfer hub, pick up a carload of the poor, and take them to “work,” (the major street intersection of their choice).

Any drivers attempting to circumvent the mandate would have their vehicle impounded and made available to disadvantaged youts to help them hone their hot-wiring and audio system removal skills. Improved education could lead to an Associate Degree in Enhanced Vehicle Acquisition and a more rewarding career in the growing orphan parts industry.

Scientists Discover Gender-bending DNA

“There’s still much work to do.” “We’ve made a great deal of progress, but we aren’t there yet,” was the primary theme of a seminar given by Yale Professor Himmso Befuddled. Dr. Befuddled revealed that DNA specimens from Rosie O’Donnell and Barney Frank were remarkably similar. In fact, they could hardly be distinguished from one another except for a single specific combination. Absent this one particular combination, Rep. Frank and Ms. O’Donnell would be the same person.

The most common form of chromosomal crossover is homologous recombination, where the two chromosomes involved share very similar sequences. The Frank/O’Donnell situation appears to be a case of recombination whereby the male/female combinations crossed over.

The crossover would account for the few differences between the two. For example, Rep. Frank’s delightfully effeminate lispth and larger breasts, and O’Donnell’s tendency to cuss, spit, and grab her groin. Another differential was Frank’s ability to silently “squeeze out” flatulence while Ms. O’Donnell proudly announced that she was the source of a particularly loud, foul-smelling release.

Obama, Congress to Push Redistribution Plan

The Obama administration, in concert with the democrat congress unveiled plans to submit H.R.1422, the “Pass the Ammunition” bill. Once signed into law, the bill would confiscate all ammunition from the wealthy (annual income of more than $50,000) and re-distribute it to the poor. “Our disadvantaged inner city citizens can’t afford to buy ammunition.” “It is class and race discrimination at its worst when the rich can stock up on hollow-points, +P and frangible loads and the poor can barely afford cheap and environmentally damaging lead handloads.” “How can you shoot nobody, when you ain’t got no bullets,” said Ifeelya Johnson, a block captain for the neighborhood crime-watch group, “Whitey Watch.”

Obama Already Having Impact on Fuel Prices

Drivers have president-elect Obama to thank for falling fuel prices. Even though “Four Dollar Bush” is still in office, the Big Oil companies have seen the future and voluntarily cut their obscene profits before being taken to the woodshed by “One Dollar Obama.” Even OPEC is praising falling revenues, knowing that it is a small price to pay to have a global-minded community organizer at the helm. “He will be much easier for us to deal with than that cowboy Boosh” said Ali Bin Hairy, OPEC’s Minister of Rhetoric.

Also taking credit for falling prices, Nancy Pelosi said, “Fortunately, the Congress passed energy legislation which brought the prices down.” “You can thank the democrat Congress for the plummeting gasoline prices,” Pelosi said. “When we took control of Congress following the 2006 elections, we said that we’d pass gas legislation, and pass gas we did.”

Obama Calls for a Summit Meeting of Heads of State

After receiving permission from First Lady Elect Michelle Obama, president-elect Obama sent invitations to Hugo Chavez, Fidel Castro, Bashar al-Assad of Syria, and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to join him at in informal gathering to bond and share testosterone-laced activities.

Expected to be held at a yet to-be-determined South Beach hotel in Miami, entertainment is said to be poker, cigars, keg beer, stag films, and professional companions. Buy-in for poker is set as one million barrels of crude or one kilogram of fissionable material. To further entice the leaders, there will be a door prize of a next-generation Zumwalt-class Destroyer given to the lucky winner. All but Ahmadinejad have indicated their attendance; as he is reportedly holding out for a lap dance from Nancy Pelosi.

Obama Reveals His New Iraq Plan

“When I said that I’d bring the Troops home in sixteen months, I was referring to Euphronius Troop and Felonious Troop. The twins will receive orders to return to their U.S. bases early after my inauguration.” “Other military personnel will remain in Iraq under my new and improved plan, which will task them to support and train the New Iraq Army.” “Conditions on the ground and consultation with Iraq leaders will determine when the remaining 140,000 return home.”

Hailed as a radical departure from the failed Boosh plan, Obama explained that he had secretly been the chief architect of the “surge” that brought much of Iraq under control. A heated argument between Obama and General Patraeus ended when Obama intimidated the General and threatened to “kick his a$$.” Only then did the General relent and agree to the surge. And that his discussions with Nouri Kamal al-Maliki in July had led to the peace between Shiites and Sunni.

“In all humility, I can say that I alone have been responsible for organizing a communal peace in Iraq.”

Obama Responsible for 6,000,000 Saved Jobs

He promised to add 1,000,000 new jobs during his campaign, and as recently as last week increased the count to 2,500,000 jobs. Now, the administration-elect has determined that the jobs he has “saved” since his election is 6,000,000.

When asked how the number was calculated, spokesperson Jerry Mander explained: “Well, you take the 2,000,000 that would have been lost if the Republican plan to fire all school teachers had been implemented, and add the 2,000,000 that would have been eliminated if Boosh had closed all of the Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts shops, and finally add the 2,000,000 that would have been made jobless if Boosh had closed the United States Postal Service and all Federal Express offices, you arrive at the six million job figure.” He continued, “Because of president-elect Obama’s firm resolve and his negotiating skills, none of those things happened and six million jobs were saved.”

“Thank you, sir” was the enthusiastic response from all three – smiles and handshakes as if they’d won the lottery.

I went back to my place in line to finish the construction of my ham and pepper jack sub and the man in front of me thanked me and said he wished he’d thought of it.

The bill was $22 bucks and change. I can’t think of a better way to spend $22. The profuse thanks I got from the army table as I left the shop would have been enough but there was also the good feeling that I had, in a small way, made their day a little brighter.

After reading today’s news and noting how much uproar is created by gays in pursuing their causes, I’m wondering why more hasn’t been made out of that unnatural union of two males or two females? And make no mistake, it is unnatural.

The furor over California’s passage of proposition 8 and subsequent statements made by the Governor and a couple of Mayors indicate that “the will of the people” be damned, they want gay marriage and they want it now.

The requisite statement: I have nothing against gays or lesbians. Now, the qualifier: except when it comes to equating a gay or lesbian couple to a heterosexual couple. If two men or two women want to live together, have sex together, buy a home together, or play Scrabble together, I don’t care, that’s their business. But when gay couples demand to be recognized as “equal” to a heterosexual couple, I have a problem with that - specifically relating to “gay marriage.”

Those of us against a redefinition of traditional marriage to include same-sex couples, are accused of all sorts of vile things and are told that Jesus would support gay marriage – what a crock.

Human males and females are specifically constructed to fit together for the purpose of procreation – assuring survival of the species. It doesn’t matter whether you attribute that design to God or to “Mother Nature/evolution, it really doesn’t matter – the fact remains that men and women are designed to fill a need together. Two men can’t produce offspring, nor can two women. There is a difference.

For the life of me I can’t figure out why I have never seen this point made before when discussing gay marriage. I’m sure that many others have formed the same conclusion – but I don’t ever recall seeing that cold, hard biological fact ever being brought into the discussion. A hetro couple can reproduce – a gay couple can’t – is there any argument on that score? I’ll be really interested to hear of any attempt at rebuttal (no pun intended) of that conclusion. Ergo, a hetro couple’s value to the human race is greater than a gay couple. They are not, and can never be, equals.

The Whys Guys

Why has Obama refused to produce his real birth certificate? The State of Hawaii could provide it overnight if requested by Obama. Why not ask the state to release an officially authorized copy? Who among us has refused to produce a certified copy of a birth certificate in order to get a passport? I don’t see why this is such a big deal – unless there were some skullduggery afoot.

Why has Obama refused to allow his college information to be made public? Writings, transcripts, etc. ought to be available to the public as part of the voter’s vetting process. I can’t think of any good reason to keep them secret – unless there was something there that he wanted to keep from voters? The word “unseemly” seems appropriate.

Why are there (so far) more than a dozen members of Obama’s transition team who worked as federally registered lobbyists within the past four years? During his campaign, Obama did his best to disown and crucify lobbyists, even to berating John McCain for having too many lobbyists involved in his campaign. Have lobbyists changed their stripes, is there some new law which requires them to be honest and circumspect while trying to influence our representatives and senators?

Or, is it simply a timing thing – the time for Obama to distance himself from lobbyists is over (his campaign) and the time to invite them to the party has arrived (his reign)?

Why did Obama’s campaign, composed of the most intelligent and savvy individuals on the planet, disable the anti-fraud capabilities normally in place for credit card sellers. The campaign “has knowingly violated a basic CNP fraud prevention technique to accommodate a merchant (Obama Campaign),” that was a comment by a credit card fraud expert. 

Another expert says that when the verification system is disabled, “multiple invalid transactions may be made without fear of being rejected by the authorization systems.” He also said, “it would be very interesting to see how many transactions were conducted on the same account number using different names,” that would be a Federal violation under the current campaign funding laws.

Could this have been done to allow contribution limits to be exceeded and for contributions to be made from foreign supporters (not U.S. citizens)?

The Great Flood

Wait for it … wait for it …

For what?

For the flood of Obama, Pelosi, and Reid (oh my) bills that have been in mothballs waiting to magically appear shortly after January 20^th. We should expect to see all of the dem-sponsored bills that didn’t pass before, as well as those that were held back until more sympathetic conditions were present. They’re all queued up and ready to go.

For them, it is like winning the lottery; they officially pick up their oversized check on/about January 20^th. They’ve already got their shopping lists all made up and they are absolutely giddy with the thought of the coming spending bonanza. When they think of the all of the good that can be accomplished with those billions, they go into spasms of delight – some may even want a cigarette afterwards.

Of course, when a curious eye examines what they mean by “good” we find that their cronies, their campaign contributors, their own personal bank accounts and finally, to a lesser extent, their home districts will benefit – at the expense of the American taxpayer.

We need to secure and retain for historical purposes (as well as for legal evidentiary purposes) the current net worth of every member of Congress, as well as their investment holdings. That information will be handy when they’re up for reelection again. If, as I expect, there will be unusual “coincidental” growth in their net worth, we might want to inspect their actions to see when (not if) they used their positions to influence where government largess was spent. In the age of the Internet, RFIDs, and GPS, following the money should be easy.

In the meantime, the dems have won a “twofer,” they’ll enrich their own bank accounts and ensure their reelection for eternity – an unbeatable parlay.

Fox News Besmirched

I wanted to know how many homes have access to Fox News channel. I Googled “Fox News channel availability” and chose a Wikipedia link. What I found there was disturbing.

Now, don’t start to lecture me on how inaccurate Wikipedia may be – I’m not an idiot. Wikipedia’s content varies from excellent to bovine excrement and if I have need of undeniably true facts, I’ll confirm the data from multiple sources.

That being said, nothing prepared me for some of the statements that were included in the lead section. For example, in three paragraphs, consisting of 146 words, the following statements were present:

”As of January 2005, it is available to 85 million households in the U.S. and further to viewers internationally, broadcasting primarily out of its taxpayer funded mansion.”

“The channel was launched on October 7, 1996 to 17 million easily frightened and uneducated bigots.”

“In the United States, Fox News Channel has been rated as the cable news network with the largest number of uncritical viewers.”

“Fox News Channel publicly propagandizes bias in the channel's reporting.^”

 Those four sentences, consisting of 75 words, made up fully half of the opening write-up describing Fox News.

By the way, in the interest of my own personal “fairness doctrine,” I changed the “Fox” to “CNN” in the Google search and found what appears to be an accurate, unbiased description of CNN News in the lead section. I didn’t bother to check the broadcast news channels.

They held their “last supper” on Monday night. Spirits were high, the Messiah was about to ascend to the White House. Ever the one to up-stage everyone else, Obama wanted thirteen “apostles” present, just to one-up Jesus (who only had twelve).

One of his apostles was Michelle of Chicago, who extolled the power of “The One” by telling the assembled disciples, "He thinks he can really do anything — He does. With His own power and will, He can fix it," she said.

And Obama spoke, “Bring me your toasters, your hot plates, your constantly running toilets, and I will heal them.” “Lay not Easy Off on your oven, nor Draino on your drains, bring them to me and I will heal them.”

The assemblage had escaped from the press by slipping off in a stretch Hummer, but the only place open was Denny’s. So the “banquet room” at Denny’s was the setting for the wholly (Holy) righteous gathering. But there was a snag, the only photographer they could find who would keep the supper secret was Huda Thunket. His claim to fame was that he’d taken porno pictures of Helen Thomas (of White House press corps fame) back when black-hooded cameras and flash powder was used. Reportedly, she was a real hottie back when dirt was young.

The room was barely adequate, they’d pushed together a bunch of tables (every single one was wobbly) along with some 55-gallon drums of maple syrup and creamed chipped beef “stuff” (S.O.S., for all you military guys). The Second Assistant Deputy Night Manager was acting as their Maitre D and passed around a few well-worn menus.

David of Axelrod, Obama’s chief strategeryist, announced that the “sky’s the limit” on menu items, “go ahead and splurge, we’ve got an Amex black card billed to the taxpayer, we’ll never have to pay for anything again.”

The group was all atwitter, just imagine, carte blanche at Denny’s!

They opened the two boxes of wine they’d picked up a package store. There was a nice Chateau OuiOui, vintage Friday, and a pertinent little Cabernet Orsepee, nothing but the best for Him and his followers.

Glasses high, they toasted. First, Joe of Biden offered a toast to the networks. “We couldn’t have done it without ABC, CBS, and NBC keeping our dirty laundry out of the news.” Clinks and drinks all around. “And let’s not forget MSNBC and our paid staff there, Chris Matthews and Keith Olbermann.” “They ran interference for us and bashed our opposition unmercifully, and all we have to do is appoint them to be Federal Judges.” Again, clinks and drinks.

The “Moons Over My Hammy,” “Gastric Slam,” and “Obammy’s Obamlette,” arrived and the group dug in, sounds of plastic flatware clicking away. The usual dinner banter faded away as they stuffed their faces with Denny’s gourmet delights. More wine all around and soon the assemblage was feeling no pain (except for especially severe gastric distress).

The quiet afterglow was punctuated by flatulence (little squeaky farts, strong throaty farts, and the ever-popular motorboat farts). At least with the noisy ones, you had some warning – but the SBDs (silent, but deadly) ones were awful – the stench was unbearable. Soon, the entire group had moistened handkerchiefs tied around their noses – to little avail. The “banquet” room was awash with a foul-smelling greenish fog. Someone shouted “Don’t light a match” just as Nancy of Pelosi lit up a very large cigar.

WHOOSH! A fuel-air blast instantaneously flashed the room, ohhh, the humanity.

The smell of burned hair, beards and eyebrows replaced the previous noxious organic gas. Wisps of smoke trailed up from the heads of those unlucky enough to be close to Pelosi … and a burned-hair smell filled the room.

Miraculously, no one was seriously injured and the absence of facial hair seemed to improve Nancy of Pelosi’s appearance. The alcohol-induced numbness mitigated the pain of second-degree burns and the group immediately began to blame George Bush for an immoral and illegal attack on an innocent gathering, although two of them had actually ordered yellow cake (ala mode).

Obama stood, and with raised hands, quieted his apostles. He said solemnly, “one of you will betray me.” The group was stunned into silence. Harry of Reid lamented, “Master, who could do such a thing”?

One by one, they all proclaimed their allegiance and asserted that it would not be he (or she). Obama spoke again, “woe to he who will betray me as I will smite him with an IRS audit.” Great wailing and gnashing of teeth followed at the mere mention of an apocalyptic evil such as an IRS audit – most people would rather see famine, plague, and pestilence. It was plain to see that Obama would be a vengeful deity.

“Tell us Massa, did someone release your real birth certificate?” asked Chris of Dodd. Obama responded, “No, it remains safely in the mayonnaise jar under Tom of Daschle’s gazebo.

“Did someone find that video of you and Bill Ayers dancing around in tutus to Swan Lake?” “Or let out that you gave each other Promise rings?”

“No, John of Kerry, it is worse.” They gasped.

“Is it about the sex change operation?” Instantly, Barney of Frank knew he had committed a faux pas.

Another communal gasp, then silence … they were speechless.

The operation was supposed to remain secret from everyone but Barney of Frank. He had arranged the operation (called an “addadiktome) through some of his contacts in the “alternative” community.

Now everyone knew. So be it. At least now he could be forgiven for crying, mood swings and monthly crankiness.

Obama’s voice broke as he said softly, “One of you has voted for the devil … McCain/Palin.”

“Ohhhh noooooo.” The cries of anguish would be heard two blocks away. The wailing, full of agony and despair could only have come from a chorus of damned souls falling into the fiery abyss of Hades. Dark clouds formed, dogs howled and small animals cowered in fear.

“It was … ,” Obama paused, his voice breaking again, “Jeremiah of Wright.”

At once, Reverend Wright fell to his knees and sobbing, grabbed Obama’s legs, begging for forgiveness. “Massa, I had lust in my heart for Governor Palin – I was weak, and she promised to come to my hotel room if I would vote for her.” “I was smitten, I couldn’t help myself – I only wanted to plant the seed of Black Liberation Theology in her.” His tears fell like rain, he was truly repentant – but the deed had been done.

Obama only now noticed two black(er) eyes and cuts and bruises on the Reverend’s face. His left arm dangled funny and he kneeled with a limp.

“And she did this to you”?

“No, Massa, Todd came instead.”

And verily, let it be written that the Reverend’s pact with the devil (Governor Palin) brought his chickens home to roost. Instead of the Reverend doing the “planting,” Todd planted the punches of an angry white husband all over the Reverend. Instead of “getting some,” he got some.

Obama’s Last Slam At Denny’s ended in sadness and despair. What was to be a victory celebration became a wake; a funeral for the friendship of Obama and his mentor, his pastor, his friend.

Several times over the past month I’ve seen an Obama surrogate asked to identify Obama’s significant accomplishments. After parrying the surrogate’s response of campaign talking points, and pressing for an answer, the interviewer is finally forced to conclude that there aren’t any. The spokesperson has, in every case, been unable to name even one significant accomplishment by the rookie Senator. That’s not surprising, because there aren’t any. No significant accomplishments.

Conclusion: He would be the most unaccomplished individual ever elected to the Presidency.

Let’s consider Obama’s credentials at the time that he announced for President, February 9/10, 2008. That’s to allow an objective look at his qualifications before the influence of his KoolAid-induced adoration. I won’t reiterate his work history here – we’ve all seen his biography and know how he spent the years between graduation from Harvard and announcing for President.

Would any competent business owner have hired Barack Hussein Obama to run his or her business? How about the big ones – the Fortune 500 companies? Those are rhetorical questions because we all know the answer, a resounding NO. If he’s not qualified to run a plumbing business, an auto dealership, a mid-sized manufacturer, or General Motors, how can he be put in charge of the entire U.S. economy?

Conclusion: He has no experience that qualifies him to be President.

We all know about his association with people of tainted backgrounds. Where are his character references? Where are the friends and co-workers who expound on his superior character and good judgment?  

On the other hand, we know quite a lot about Bill Ayers, Tony Rezko, Rashid Khalidi, the Reverends Wright, Pfleger, and Meeks, et al.

Even today, I firmly believe that a background check would not clear him to be a TSA airport screener, much less qualify him for access to the most sensitive information upon which our national security depends. Obama chose to associate with shady characters, characters known to the FBI, and that alone would have prevented him from being approved. If a person can’t qualify for a security clearance, isn’t that an indication that the person can’t be trusted? Shouldn’t that be enough to disqualify him from becoming Commander-in-Chief?

Conclusion: He can’t be trusted as President.

We expect our President to be a leader, not a rubber stamp figurehead for his party. Like him or not, George Bush has been his own man. He took a position and didn’t let polls or focus groups affect where he stood on an issue. He led. Again, you may not like where he was leading, but he made a decision and stuck with it.

Obama has never led anything. He has taken whatever position was most self-serving to his ambitions. He has voted the democrat party line 97 percent of the time in 2005 and 2007, and 96 percent in 2006 – he was simply following orders; they led, he followed.

I believe that anyone would be hard pressed to show any evidence that Obama can lead. Not encourage, inspire, or reassure – lead. We have every reason to believe that he would simply rubber stamp whatever was put before him by Speaker Pelosi and Senate Leader Reid. Remember that Congress currently has a 16.5% approval rating (latest average, RCP) – only slightly above their previous low of 12%, the worst in history. And now we are asked to remove any check or balance from the worst performing Congress in history and elect a Rubber-Stamp-in-Chief to enable their policies?

Electing Obama President would be akin to removing any impediment to Pelosi, Reid, Dodd, Frank, Kerry, Kennedy, et al, to entrenching themselves in office for eternity. Once we’ve given Obama, Pelosi, and Reid (oh my) the keys to the kingdom, it’ll be extremely difficult to change the locks later.

Conclusion: We can’t allow Obama to become a Rubber-Stamp-in-Chief to the worst Congress in our history.

Obama has not been bashful about his opinions regarding the Constitution. He believes it to be antiquated and in need of updating. It needs to be revised to incorporate more socialistic tenets and to be more sensitive to the plight of the disadvantaged. He basically wants to incorporate affirmative action policies into the Constitution.

Apparently, Obama believes himself to be the equal of the framers and his ideas to be worthy of inclusion into the most important secular document in world history. Three words come to mind, “egotism,” “conceit,” or “self-importance”? How does his attitude jibe with the oath of office that he would be swear to if inaugurated?

“I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution of the United States.”

Note that the oath specifically states: “preserve, protect, and defend” the Constitution, not “change, modify, and revise.”

Conclusion: His statements indicate that he does not intend to “preserve” the Constitution and will not abide by the oath of office and is therefore not qualified to be President.

Ever heard the term “snake oil” salesman? One common definition of “snake oil” is: an expression applied metaphorically to any product with exaggerated marketing but questionable or unverifiable quality. Professor Obama might as well be standing on a small platform affixed to a buckboard hustling his magical snake oil elixir (infused with hope and change) to the local rubes.

We see it daily in the wide-eyed, tingly-legged, adoration present at Obama’s events. The rubes are eating it up, believing every word the Professor utters. His magical elixir will cure constipation and diarrhea, hangnails and jock itch, and it can be used as a mouthwash or a weed-killer. It’s good for “what ails you.”

Most of those planning to vote for him will do so because they believe that what he’s selling is exactly what they need – never mind that they can’t describe exactly what he’s selling – they just know that whatever it is, it is just what they need. He’s bumfuzzled the rubes into thinking that his policies will be good for them – that they will be the recipients of all sorts of good, and wonderful, and magical “stuff.”

If we analyze the contents of his magic elixir, we find that the main ingredient is obfuscation. His plans and policies are deliberately vague and couched in inexact Clintonian descriptions so that they can be interpreted in many ways, thereby allowing the rubes to see in his statements what they wish to see.

He is deliberately misleading voters in order to get elected. He knows that he can’t do everything he’s promised – especially in the current economic environment. But he is intent on buying the Presidency and he is outbidding John McCain.

Obama is not telling voters the truth and he knows it. He couldn’t get away with it if not for the willful cooperation of the “old” media. They have become co-conspirators in his “Audacity of Deception.”

Conclusion: Obama is deliberately misleading voters and that makes him unfit for the Presidency

I could go on to mention Obama’s aunt and half-brother living in poverty when Obama is supposed to be “his brother’s keeper.”

Or his campaign’s knowingly accepting credit card contributions without the usual (and experts say required) security to assure that the card is being used by its legal owner. This was done in order to accept money from foreign contributors and to circumvent the contribution limit on individual contributions.

Or the intimidation and reprisals against anyone who dares to question the Messiah, like Joe the Plumber, or the two TV stations who dared to ask probing questions of Joe Biden. As late as this week, three reporters were kicked off of Obama’s campaign plane – their sin – all three newspapers endorsed McCain.

~~~

A final prediction: If Obama is elected, some time after he’s sworn in, (I’m guessing 60-90 days into his reign) Obama will tell us that things are much worse than his advisors had anticipated. The Bush administration has things so badly screwed up that even Obama can’t correct everything quickly and must put some of his promises on hold. He will be “forced” to scale back his “tax reductions” and to scrap some new programs. It wouldn’t surprise me if the speech has already been written.

With apologies to Sean Hannity’s show Sunday wherein he gave his ten top reasons to vote against Obama, he should have included more than ten since there are at least another twenty that deserve consideration, to wit:

• To pi$$ off the mainstream media who are willful co-conspirators with the DNC in electing Obama
• To pi$$ off the Europeans, Iranians, Africans, etc. all of whom worship at the altar of Obama
• To stop Obama from creating new cabinet-level positions for his pals. Like stopping Bill Ayers from being appointed Secretary of Socialist Education (a new cabinet position), Reverend Wright from being appointed Secretary of Racist Rhetoric, or Tony Rezko from being given a position as Secretary of Slums. John Murtha is also reputed to be on the short list for Secretary of Tire Pressure (since he lost his House seat), but his qualifications for the job are in question
• To cancel the very large order to IKEA for redecorating the White House (also cancel an order for draperies from Pottery Barn)
• Force the dumping of 570 gallons of Sherwin-Williams “Dark Chocolate” custom color paint purchased to repaint what is currently called the White House
• To drive a stake through the (barely still beating) heart of the New York Times
• To wipe the smirk off the faces of, and plunge into deep despair, the women of the View (except for Elizabeth)
• To show the Hollywood crowd (those who make a living by pretending) that real people still run the show
• To postpone the grand opening of “Minaret Depot” stores and cancel the building contracts for minaret construction in major U.S. cities
• To cancel democrat plans for a “one thing, one vote” campaign which would have guaranteed mailboxes, lawn chairs, and BBQ grills the right to vote (for some reason, they all seem to vote democrat)
• To prove that logical, thinking citizens can still win an election over the lemmings drinking from the KoolAid pond
• Small business owners won’t have to accept a federal vacuum sucking the revenue out to give it to those who refuse to invest anything in their own well-being
• To stop plans being formulated to test the United States within six months (the pop quiz was to be on Black Liberation Theology) until Joe Biden spilled the beans
• Barack will have to renege on his purchase of a national franchise for an Acme Little Jiffy do-it-yourself European healthcare system
• The true story of Obama’s place of birth reveals that he was actually born to Lupi Muckluck (an Inuit native) in Wasilla, Alaska and therefore is a citizen. He was later adopted by Ann Soetoro
• Now it can be revealed that Obama’s Harvard tuition and expenses were actually funded by a shadow foundation, the Climatology Subterranean Foundation (whose CEO was someone named Wm. Ayers)
• It will no longer be necessary to cling to our guns and religion so that Obama can’t take them away, we can now cling to them freely, by choice and without worry
• It will halt Obama’s secret POP plan (Parity Of Products) that would confiscate products from the rich (who have too many) and distribute them to the poor. Included would have been houses, autos, boats, big screen TVs, recliners, spas and hot tubs, watches and jewelry, etc.
• To force Nancy and Harry to postpone submission of approximately One-hundred-twenty-six new bills that were ready for a quick vote and Presidential rubber stamp.
• To force those anticipating continuing their career as professional welfare recipients to get a job